Several days after the event, I am asking myself, ” have I got over the assault?” I’m not quite sure. “Perhaps it’s still early days”, my compassionate self tells me. “C’mon, get it together”, my rational self states. Physically, I’m healing albeit slowly. Emotionally, I have to confess I’m still a bit of a wreck. Mentally … well, mentally, I hear myself reciting the Serenity Prayer that I admit to knowing only too well from having done the twelve-step program many years ago …
Having read this over and over, I have to acknowledge the fact that this assault did happen to me. I can’t turn back the clock, as much as I’d like to so this is something that God will have to grant me the serenity to accept.
‘Courage to change the things I can‘. Well, when it comes down to it, the only thing in this situation I can change is myself. I need to change my thought process. I think, “Come on now; the flowers are beginning to wilt, and I’ve eaten most of the chocolates, so, perhaps my journey into recovery has started. And however much I like being under my duvet with my favourite (and very old) bear, I guess I’m going to have to come out into the world at some point”. Easier said than done. I have, however, decided, once I get my confidence back, to attend the church in town instead of the one that is more remote that I like, admittedly, but it involves a slightly precarious journey travelling along three mostly abandoned footpaths.
As for the wisdom to know the difference, well I definitely need that as I’m unsure as to whether I’m being practical or being harsh on myself? I don’t know. [Do you see what I mean when I say, emotionally, I am a bit of a wreck?] Maybe it’s a little too soon to have gained the wisdom part. I guess, with God’s help, I’ll have to work on that part.
In the meantime, life goes on, or does it? Strangely, although I was assaulted in my home, my fear is of going out is worse than my fear of being indoors. I want to stay cocooned in the relative safety of familiar walls with entrances and exits sealed and not answer the door to anyone other than my caregivers. I know that’s not very practical when I live alone and have to shop and go out to continue my work at the university. I have a short spell of ‘compassionate leave’ but then have to pick up where I left off.
God, please grant me the serenity I so need right now. Thank you with all my heart x